URSULA
My dear, sweet child. That’s what I do. It’s what I live for.
To help unfortunate menfolk like yourself.
Poor souls with no one else to turn to.
I admit that in the past I’ve been a nasty
They weren’t kidding when they called me, well, a bitch
But you’ll find that nowadays
I’ve mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light, and made a switch
To this
And I fortunately know a little magic
It’s a talent that I always have possessed
And dear gaybie, please don’t laugh
I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed (pathetic)
Poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the boy
And do I help them?
Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
They come flocking to my bosom
Crying, “Help, Aleida, please!”
And I help them!
Yes I do
Now it’s happened once or twice
Someone couldn’t pay the price
And I’m afraid I had to rake ‘em ‘cross the coals
Yes I’ve had the odd complaint
But on the whole I’ve been a saint
To those poor unfortunate souls
Have we got a deal?
URSULA
But you’ll have your man, heh heh. Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it? Heh heh.
Oh, and there is one more thing.
We haven’t discussed the subject of payment.
URSULA
I’m not asking much, just a token really, a trifle!
What I want from you is - your voice.
URSULA
You’ll have your looks, your pretty face.
And don’t underestimate the importance of body language, ha!
The men up there don’t like a lot of blabber
They think a guy who gossips is a whore!
Yet on land it’s much prefered for homos not to say a word
And after all dear, what is idle babble for?
Come on, they’re not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a gay boy who’s withdrawn
It’s he who holds her tongue who get’s a man
Come on you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead!
Make your choice!
I’m a very busy woman and I haven’t got all day
It won’t cost much
Just your voice!
You poor unfortunate soul
It’s sad but true
If you want to cross the bridge, my sweet
You’ve got the pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sign the scroll
Flotsam, Jetsam, now I’ve got her, boys
The boss is on a roll
This poor unfortunate soul
